There are only a few things that are infinite in this world: the universe, human stupidity, and mankind’s bottomless desire for poached egg. Strange, elusive and beautiful, the poached egg has turned into an icon of self-indulgence, leaving its mark on society as the staple of every hipster café and Instagram feed worth their salt. Who can resist the allure of biting into the springy whites, letting the warm, sticky savouriness blossom over the tongue? Truly, it is a meal fit for royalty.
It then comes as no surprise that these delicious little morsels cost a King’s Ransom—the average Mr. poachy at your local café will typically set you back some 15 dollars. Travesty, I say! Why fork over your hard-earned cash when you can simply whip up these tasty treats at home?
If you – like me – possess the culinary skills of a befuddled wombat, this guide is just the thing for you! You too, can sample the best life has to offer, from the comfort of your kitchen. I personally guarantee that after reading this guide, you’ll be poaching away like a seasoned ivory smuggler.
But before we go into the guide, let’s take a quick look at what solutions the internet has to offer. Jumping from one cooking blog to another, I’ve observed that there is plenty of existing literature detailing how one might poach a beautiful egg. Generally speaking, the conventional method involves lowering a cracked egg into a pot of stirred, boiling water. After a fair bit of practice, I’ve managed to pin down the exact process:
1) Boil a pot of water
2) Stir it like a madman
3) Gently lower your egg into the swirling vortex
4) Cry in shame as your egg disintegrates into something that closely resembles seagull poop
What absolute rot! Clearly these online “experts” haven’t the faintest idea of how to poach an egg at all. Luckily for all you aspiring egg-poachers, all is not lost. After weeks and weeks of experimentation, I’ve come up with a completely fool-proof way to poach eggs. Unlike these online charlatans, my methods are simple—you won’t even need an ounce of culinary ability. You will however, need these things: a pot, a tablespoon of vinegar, a slotted spoon, and a ladle.
The tools of the trade.
Step 1: Crack your egg into a bowl.
Step 2: Manoeuvre the egg onto your slotted spoon, letting some of egg white drain away. This gets rid of the excess watery white, giving you a nice, firm egg that will poach better. Plop this new and improved egg into a small bowl.
Step 3: Boil a pot of water, and throw in a tablespoon of vinegar. Vinegar helps to hold the egg white together when it goes into the pot.
Step 4: Scoop some of the hot water into your ladle, and transfer the egg onto it. This extra layer of water stops the egg from sticking to the ladle when it cooks.
Step 5: Gently lower your ladle into the boiling water. Making sure that the pot is gently simmering throughout, wait about 3-4 more minutes for the egg to attain the classic round, poached look.
The classic poached look taking shape. A pleasing sight to behold.
Step 6: Fish the egg out using the slotted spoon. Dry over paper towels and serve.
Step 7: Swell up with happiness.
Toast and avocado not pictured.
And there you have it! You’ve poached your very own, fuss-free egg. Feel free to upload a picture of your egg-ceptional culinary creations and tag us. Better still, if you've got a better way to poach the perfect egg, do drop us an email at firstname.lastname@example.org.